Church Hurt And Red Flags: Why It's Creating A Mediocre Church Environment

Church hurt is a real thing and is experienced by so many born again believers who serve the Lord with an open heart. I know, because I've experienced it many times, and I'm living with the consequences. When you're a new born again believer, you may suffer the disappointment, discouragement, and pain resulting from the way others treat you, but then you bounce back, do your best to forgive whoever hurt you, and move on. Unfortunately, when you're deeply wounded often enough... when you become so weary of grieving so deeply in your heart... you tend to create defenses to protect yourself emotionally so you can prevent yourself from ever being hurt that deeply in the future. That means you begin limiting how emotionally close you get to someone and you begin pulling back on how much of your personal life that you actually reveal to others. You may start questioning people's motives and second guessing their commitment to developing a true friendship with you. You may unintentionally start distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the church body as a way of limiting your own pain and suffering. That's when "church hurt" starts affecting your relationships and your participation in ministry work. Your church attendance suffers because you begin asking yourself why you're attending church if, when you walk through the doors, you automatically start grieving inside instead of walking in with a joyful heart. At this point, the joy of serving the Lord in a church setting seems to drain from you. Personally, it was at this point when I stopped attending church services.

Many Christians will say that none of us are perfect. "We're all patients in need of a hospital," they'll say. "Church is for the wounded and the hurt." "If you're looking for a perfect church, you won't find it because we all fall short of perfection." "Those who are 'church hurt' need to grow up and realize that things like this happen, and they need to deal with it." 

You know what I say? I say that settling for less brings a mediocracy to the the church experience and is what's leading to the decline of church participation by those who are striving to serve the Lord with their whole heart. It's easy to excuse away the sins of others in order to deflect the opinions of those who may have a less than favorable view of the church, but it's not benefitting the church. Excusing sin for the sole reason that "we're not perfect" isn't helping anyone. Many churches are in their own bubble and refuse any criticism or genuine concern from those in the congregation who are having issues "getting on board" with the way things are done, even if what's being done is not biblical.

Many "church hurt" Christians want to serve the Lord with their whole heart, but they find themselves hindered in a church setting because so many people are satisfied with having their physical and emotional needs met by a music ministry that feeds their fleshly desires rather than truly worshiping God. I've recently been listening to Christian music from the 70's and 80's, and it is so different from what we hear today. Much of Christian music back then was focused on truly praising and worshiping God. It wasn't about feeding our flesh with feel-good songs that put the main focus on us while pretending to be singing about the Lord. Back then, we didn't need the colorful stage lights, the fog machines, a huge band, stage props, etc... all the things they use now to attract people. You know what we had? White stage lights. A cross, a small music ministry, and lights on in the sanctuary so we could actually see each other. What we didn't have was a worldly concert-like atmosphere that reflected more of the world than heaven. The more complex and worldly the worship service becomes, the more you turn off the true worshipers of God. The more the music is focused on me, myself, and I, the less the congregation comes humbly before God and, instead, becomes focused on a church experience that feeds their flesh. If it looks like a worldly concert, then it's most likely a crowd-centered worship service and not a Christ-centered one. 

Christians not only have to deal with churches who offer up a concert-like worship service, they also experience other things that push them out of the church. When you have cliques that exclude others, when people are told that if they don't participate in a particular church activity, that they can't truly consider themselves a part of the church family, when the pastor is more concerned about statistics and having their ego stroked instead of meeting the needs of their congregation, when other Christians stab you in the back, marginalize you, lie to your face, break their word, leave you high and dry without an ounce of regret, violate their promise of confidentiality, etc... there's a major problem. To explain that away by just saying that none of us is perfect and that we should just overlook it because we have our own flaws, means that we should be quiet, settle for the status quo, and be happy with it. So I guess that means...

• You broke confidentiality? You told others what I specifically, more than once, asked you not to repeat? That's okay. None of us are perfect. That definitely won't stop me from confiding in you in the future. 
• We were supposed to meet at the coffee shop for fellowship and you left me hanging for two hours without ever showing up? You didn't answer my texts? You didn't bother to call to apologize or at least attempt to give me a valid excuse? No worries. In fact, I want you to continue to disappoint me by breaking every single plan we make without any prior notice. I'll just show up and waste my time and effort while I wait for someone who will never show up. That definitely won't create trust issues and won't negatively affect my relationship with you.
• You marginalize me when we're around your clique and treat me like I'm a third wheel? Like I'm just an afterthought? Sure, I'll be your beta male and not complain. After all, I'm blessed to even have your attention every once in a while.
• You aggressively argue with me over spiritual matters instead of discussing them calmly? You're exactly the person with whom I eagerly desire to sharpen swords. I enjoy it when you scream at me all the time and attempt to belittle me, or when you twist and misquote scripture to agree with your own world view. That'll strengthen our friendship.
• You want to come to church and have an open discussion with your children about your after service plans while we're all in the middle of worship while they're busy focusing on their electronic devices instead of participating? Don't worry about affecting my worship with your discussion. Sure, I could move. Why inconvenience you? Don't trouble yourself to act appropriately or require you to display some sense of reverence when worshiping the Creator of the universe. Your discussion is obviously more important than everyone else's worship time, so please, carry on.
• You want to be the social butterfly who's distracting everyone by constantly turning around to see who's entering the service? Your animated arm waves, bible waves, mouthing words with facial expressions... they don't distract of disturb anyone. Keep doing it. We know how you like to be the center of attention, and we're all imperfect after all, so we can just overlook your attention seeking behavior.
• Hey, you gossiped about me without first talking with me and getting all the facts? You passed around a story based on one side of the discussion and developed preconceived conclusions without first knowing if what you were thinking and saying was fact? No problem. You're a flawed individual, and I can overlook that, even if it negatively affects my reputation and the church's perception of me. They now all believe in a lie... a distorted version of who I truly am. I'm chill with that. 

I once knew a pastor who, when I told him I was leaving his church because I had gone as far as I could there, and I needed more meat in order to grow, replied to me by saying that he had been praying for the Lord to remove the dead branches from the church. Yep. Because I wanted to grow and mature in my walk with the Lord and draw closer to him, I was a dead branch to this pastor. He wounded me deeply, and it took years to heal that wound. It's one of those experiences that you don't forget, and that can lead to the "church hurt" mentality if it occurs often enough.

I had another pastor that I called on the phone, desperately requesting to meet with him to talk and pray, because the enemy was attacking me, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to fend him off, knowing that I was going to fall to great sin. I thought that the counsel and prayer of another brother, my pastor, would help encourage and strengthen me, but the pastor's response was that he had a lot to deal with at the moment. He promised to get back to me, but he never called. I fell into sin that affected me for years afterwards. Years later, when I mentioned this situation to that very same pastor in an email, he said he didn't remember the incident and then invited me back to his church. How can you forget someone calling you, telling you he's about to fall into sin, practically begging to talk with you, and then not remember that? It's mind boggling. Then to suggest I go back to his church??? Talk about a double whammy! His situational awareness gave me pause. He showed no remorse about dropping the ball. He failed me miserably, and I knew I could never trust him again. 

I had another pastor who told the congregation that if they didn't participate in bi-weekly groups, they couldn't truly consider themselves part of that church family. What does that sound like to you? Coercion? Someone focused on numbers instead of the needs of the congregation? The next week, obviously after one or more people had complained, the pastor sent someone out to explain that it wasn't coercion (yes, he used that word), but just a strong encouragement to join in the bi-weekly groups. That walk-back to his original comment, and the fact that he didn't have the strength of character to personally address it himself in front of the congregation, but instead sent someone else out to walk-back that comment, was a major red flag and was the final red flag that made me walk away from that church. 

I had another pastor who preached a sermon on not having one foot in heaven and one on earth. How we shouldn't be double minded, living our lives seeking God and seeking the pleasures of this world as well. Normally you would think, that's a great message! Well, I had left the church for a while, but thought I'd return. It was my first visit to the church, at a midweek service (which tends to be less formal), and I didn't feel it was my place, as someone new, to say anything when they began discussing the planning of a Trunk or Treat event. One of the church leaders mentioned the church's lack of participation and asked people to sign up for it because he was bewildered as to why they weren't getting many volunteers. That should have been a hint to the church leadership that many in the church weren't onboard with this, and it was the perfect opportunity for a regular member, in this less formal setting, to raise their hand and express their objection to holding such an event, but no one said anything. Talk about not practicing what they preach!!!

At one point, I opted to try a home church instead of a corporate church, but all the "officers" of the home church were the members of that family. The family dynamics were strange as well, with tension that was palatable throughout the entire "service" every week. My daughter left the home church first, because it eventually made her too uncomfortable to continue. I left shortly after that. I guess a huge red flag for me was when the mother of the pastor couldn't attend home service that Sunday, so church was cancelled. Why? Because she didn't want to miss anything exciting that was going to happen. That logic didn't make any sense to me. He's cancelling service because his mother didn't want to miss any huge moving of God, which, if you think this through, is like saying, "I'm going to prevent God performing a miracle in someone's life during a service unless I'm there to see it." She would rather rob someone of a blessing rather than miss out on witnessing the moving of the Holy Spirit. Someone help me make sense of this. 

So you see, it's not just church hurt, it's also churches that raise a red flag with their actions (or lack of action). It's not one or two things that occur over the course of many years. It's the constant hurt and red flags that happen on a regular basis. When your heart is open, you can be deeply wounded. So what happens to the "church hurt" individuals when it comes to church attendance? All I can do it answer that from my own experience. 

I don't view church the same way I used to. I don't throw myself into the mix and try to become part of the crowd, because many in the crowd are living in the flesh and not in the spirit. That includes church leadership. So what does that mean? 

• When I visit a church, my first instinct is to sit there and observe for the first service. 
• Are they engaged with one another? 
• Are they engaged in worship? 
• How does the congregation respond to the sermon? 
• What is the sermon about? Is it biblically accurate? 
• How does the usher staff treat me when I walk in the door? Note: I was both an usher and head usher in a church, so I know how we used to treat new visitors (handshakes, hugs, warm welcome, offering support if they had any questions, offering printed materials, sit where you're most comfortable, etc...).
• How does the members of the congregation treat first time visitors? Do they avoid eye contact and shy away from "first contact," or do they welcome them warmly?
• Is the worship service more like a concert and centered on giving the individual a good show, feeding their flesh, so that they'll show up again next week, or is it worship service that honors and is solely focused on praising and worshiping the Lord (which will most likely draw them back)?
• Etc...

That's how I get the "vibe" of a church. The second option is just not attending church at all, which a huge and growing part of the Christian community is opting for nowadays. They'll attend a church service here or there, but they don't become part of that church. That doesn't mean they're turning their back on God, it just means that the current corporate church system is broken and doesn't truly offer support for those who are seeking a closer relationship with God, while holding the congregation accountable for their behavior. 

How many times can someone be hurt by others and submit to faulty church leadership and constant red flags before they say they've had enough? If my church experience is more negative than positive, how can I force myself to stay there? The churches I attended decades ago aren't the same as the churches today. Churches today pander to those who "invest" in the church. I guess the big thing today is asking whether someone's a "contributor or a consumer," as if that should define them. The church doesn't want to chase the contributors away, because they see them as the ones who are keeping the church doors open and functioning in ministry, so they acquiesce to their requests, whether it's good for the body or not. What does that say about a church that depends on the contributors instead of God to keep the doors open? I'd rather be a member of a small, poor church that truly seeks the Lord than a large church with coffee bars, snack bars, book stores, clothing lines, colorful stage lights with a concert-like atmosphere, a media center, etc... Those larger churches may have more members, but numbers don't equal quality. Look at Joel Osteen. He has the numbers, but are you willing to sit under his teachings? Are the members of his congregation true born again believers in Christ, or are they Christians in name only? Numbers don't mean anything. A heretical church can have the numbers, but not the blessing of God or the moving of the Holy Spirit. I don't want to be a member of a church that panders to the basic fleshly desires of the members so that the church can boast about numbers and live good on the income they're bringing in. I'd rather serve in a humble church that puts God above all else. 

I'm not looking for the perfect church or the perfect Christians. I'm looking for a church whose whole focus is on serving God, ministering and encouraging it's members, and evangelizing the community. I'm looking for a membership that supports and encourages one another and who's sole focus is on growing in the Lord and becoming more like Him. Not putting on a fake Christian mask for church and then once they go out the door, they revert back to their worldly selves. 

There are so many born again believers who have become disillusioned with the current church system and who are seeking a more "early church" experience. Unfortunately, there aren't many churches out there that meet that requirement, so they're difficult to find. I'm still waiting for the Lord to point me in the right direction. I'm willing to wait until that moment arrives, if ever. Until then, it's prayer, home bible study, and singing praise and worship to the Lord at home. My money is shared with Christian organizations that evangelize, not any local church. 

Church hurt is a real thing, and you can't just tell someone to just buck up and deal with it. It's a constant and continual deep wounding of the heart, which causes it to create defenses to protect itself. It usually causes you to withdraw from people emotionally. I know that I don't offer friendship to anyone. The word "friend" means something deeper to me now, and I don't use it haphazardly, as some do. Someone can know me for 15 minutes, and introduce me as his "friend." That's not me. I can't do that. I can be pleasant, loving, and seem like I enjoy your presence in my life, but inside I'm cautious, untrusting, and keeping you at arm's length until I can determine the content of your character. That's just the result of a lot of "church hurt" and red flags. I'm definitely not where I want to be when it comes to interacting with other Christians, but until I can find a church and a group of people where I can let my guard down, this is who I am for now. 

Church hurt... it's real. I understand. You're not alone. There are plenty of others out there who are dealing with the same thing, and when people try to marginalize your feelings and heartfelt concerns, don't let it affect you. They see things on the surface and don't understand what church hurt is really about. They see only what they want to see and don't understand the deeper side of the issue. 

REPENT, AND BE FORGIVEN!

BELIEVE, AND BE SAVED!

TRIBULATIONHARVEST.NET

It's Easy To Be A Cotton Candy Christian

Have you ever noticed how easy some people think it is to be a Christian. The word "Christian" has been hijacked and twisted by many who think it simply means that you acknowledge that Jesus existed. There are two different types of "belief" as far as Christianity is concerned.

Type 1: You can believe in (have a knowledge of) God's existence.

Many people think that just having the belief that God exists is enough. Even Satan and the demons believe that God exists. These are usually the ones who have created a 'god' of their own making. It's a 'god' that loves everyone and calls everyone his children. This 'god' seems to line up with each individual's personal and subjective morality. That means there's a 'god' specifically created for every individual who believes in a 'god' that hates what they hate, and loves what they love. It's a 'god' that has no issues with lust, greed, personal vengeance, lying, cheating, and doing whatever it takes to get what you want because the end justifies the means. And they do this all the while calling themselves "Christian," following their personal 'god's' version of love. They pick and choose the scripture they like to live by, you know, the cotton candy, rainbow, pie in the sky version of the bible. Scripture that doesn't offend or convict them. The rest they turn a blind eye to because it doesn't align with their "God is love," theology.

Type 2: You can believe and have a faithful independent trust in God. 

This type of belief is an act of developing a relationship with Jesus and depending solely upon His sacrifice on the cross for your salvation. This type of "belief" results in a deeper relationship with God as you draw closer to Him through reading and studying scripture, and as you spend time with Him in prayer. To truly "believe" in God is to submit your life to Him and to be proactive in developing a closer, more obedient relationship with Him. It's not a pick-and-choose type of Christianity, it's a belief that 100% of the bible is God breathed and inspired. It's the understanding that it's not cotton candy and rainbows, but that we've been called into a spiritual battle in which we need to be active participants on a day by day, moment by moment basis. It's a faith that understands that God is love, but He's also righteous, and will judge those who sin against Him. 

REPENT, AND BEFORGIVEN!

BELIEVE, AND BE SAVED!

TRIBULATIONHARVEST.NET