My Personal Journey In Finding Healing From Church Hurt

If you're a regular visitor to my website, you'll know that I wrote an article about my experience with church hurt. If you haven't read it, you can find it HERE.

I've been dealing with the pain and deep sorrow of church hurt for quite some time. I've searched for fellowship, and I seriously contemplated re-visiting those red-flag churches I left, just to see if things had changed, but after mulling it over in my mind, visiting their websites, and reviewing their other online material, I came to the conclusion that none of them had changed (in fact, some of them were worse), and therefore weren't worth visiting again. The Lord had told me about a year ago that I needed to stop fighting Him and that I needed to find fellowship, but I couldn't find any non-denominational churches that didn't raise serious red flags. What was I to do? I sought God, but still... nothing. How could I obey God, if I had nowhere to go?

Of course, the church hurt spilled over into other areas of my life and the hurt I experienced from unbelievers seemed to spill over into the church hurt issue, each poisoning the other. For years I've been saying that I trusted no one but God, but I was deceiving myself, because even that relationship was somewhat strained because I was cutting myself off from the rest of the body... the other pieces of the living temple of God, so, in a sense, I was cutting myself off from a part of Him. People inside and outside the church had stabbed me in the back, marginalized me, overlooked me, spread lies about me, and some were even able to hurt me deeply, including former pastors. What hurt the most was that although I could deal with those things to some degree when the unsaved did that to me, I couldn't bear those same behaviors from those who called themselves, "Christian." So to protect my heart, I erected a few walls in strategic areas of my life, walls that no one could breach. I was done grieving, and I was now in "safe" mode. 

So I spent over a decade half-heartedly visiting churches and trying to ignore the red flags, but you can only ignore the red flags for so long until you become convinced that just by being there, you're enabling the red flag behavior, so you leave. There's a song by the group For King and Country called "God only Knows." Some of the lyrics say, "God only knows what you've been through. God only knows what they say about you. God only knows how it's killing you, but there's a kind of love that God only knows." There's another part of the song that says, "For the lonely, for the ashamed, the misunderstood and the one to blame, Lord if we could start over, we could start over, we could start over.... And that's where I was... grieving... wanting to start over in a full gospel church with a congregation that wasn't perfect, but was striving to be like Jesus every day. Not faking it, but living like true born again believers, doing their best to live a life that was pleasing to God; doing their best to walk in the spirit, however imperfect, but living a life in submission to Jesus and being led by the Holy Spirit. 

So what does this have to do with my personal journey in finding healing from church hurt? Well, just as unexpected as it was for God to reach out to me all those decades ago and call me to salvation through a television show, I was unexpectedly introduced to a local church through a post on Facebook. It was a local church one town over. I checked out their Facebook page, their old YouTube videos, and their website. I stepped out in faith, as difficult as that was after all the missteps and negative experiences in many of the nondenominal churches I had attended in the past decade or so, and I contacted this church, asking if they were a non-denominational church. The answer was yes, and I was told that it was a conservative church. I decided to take the opportunity to visit the church, and there I was two weeks later. 

You know the feeling you have when you're visiting a new church? The questions... What will my experience be like? Will they be awkwardly friendly or genuinely friendly? What will the worship be like? Am I going to feel like a stranger from the moment I enter to the moment I make my way out the door? Will the congregation be divided into their cliques? Will anyone acknowledge my presence? How do the people worship there?

Well, as I said before, I had done a little online prep work...lol. I knew what the outside of the church and the sanctuary looked like. The location was so convenient that I had no excuse about having to jump through hoops to get there. The night before, I had no concerns. The next morning, I had no doubts or concerns as I got up and got ready to go. The drive there was peaceful. I walked up to the church entrance with a sense of peace. What I didn't know until later, was that the Holy Spirit was already welcoming me into that church from the very moment I saw that initial Facebook post. That's the only way I can explain the peace I felt from the get-go. 

When I entered the church, a gentleman, who I found out later was the pastor, met me with a handshake, a warm welcome, and a genuine look of gladness to see me when I walked in the front door. Usually when I visited a church, I'd get a generic hello (and maybe a handshake, but most likely not) from an usher who would just hold the door open for me. This was different. I actually felt that I was welcomed there and that they wanted to share the love of Jesus with me. After a genuine welcome from another gentleman as well, I walked into the sanctuary and chose a seat in the pews where I wouldn't be isolating myself from the congregation, but at the same time not positioning myself where I'd make myself the focal point... you know... the new guy. This whole time I'm feeling peaceful, not at all feeling like I'm out of place. I just told myself at that point to just convince myself that I'd been going there for a year or so... that this was my church, but to tell you the truth, I didn't have to psyche myself up like that, because I wasn't feeling anything negative about being in a new place with a group of strangers. I felt like I belonged... like this was my family.

The sanctuary was lit with regular lighting, not dark like many other churches. The lighting on the alter was just the same, not the purple and pink concert stage lighting like some of the other churches I'd been to. The worship team was two guys on guitars and one playing electronic drums. The worship wasn't what I was used to. It wasn't loud and blaring like a concert, but personal, like they were part of the congregation, not trying to command attention. Where normally I'd emotionally separate myself from everyone and just observe the entire service, I actually became part of the service. That's just one more sign that the Lord was already lowering my defenses.

We had a guest speaker (I'll give a shoutout to Noah Proudfoot), who shared a good message. This will come into play at the end of this article as I connect the dots, so keep sharp...lol. The scripture for the sermon was Ps. 63:1-11. The message was about God having a history of meeting people in the wilderness, and that when things are tough, it's not a sign that God's love has diminished. That whatever we go though, we need to meditate on God and His promises. We may go through the wilderness at times, but God will never leave or forsake us. Christ alone is enough for us and His timing is always perfect. I thought it was a good sermon. 

I decided to forgo the after service meal (I have particular dietary needs) and I walked toward the door. The pastor was there, as was one of the other men in the church, and I had a conversation with them at the door. There were a few times when I answered their question or made a comment, and they looked at each other. I began to think that this was more than just a question and answer thing... like they were interviewing me...lol. I didn't take it personally, in fact I though it was a little humorous. I think they were just trying figure me out and to gauge how I would possibly fit in with that church family. Long story short, after the conversation, the pastor and I talked about meeting over coffee so he could learn a little more about me and so he could tell me more about the church. 

Later that week, we met for coffee and discussed quite a few things, among which were some of my experiences in the other churches that I had attended. I shared with him that the feeling I had been experiencing up to and including the church service on Sunday was still with me. An easy, calm, gentle feeling of belonging and that I was where God wanted me to be. I could tell by the expression on his face that he was deeply touched by that. 

I haven't felt like this since I was part of my first church family, when I was a new born again believer. It was a small church with no frills. The congregation was like a small family. Now, with this new church, it's like I've traveled full circle, back to the beginning, and I'm glad for that. I had walked through this dry season for so many years until this very point... until coming to this very church. 

The next week, I attended the Saturday Men's Breakfast (with no trepidation) and met a lot of other men from the church (it's going to take me so long to remember their names...lol). I participated in the discussion as if I'd always been part of the group, at which time I was honest with all of them, telling them that although I seemed jovial and friendly, I may seem distant at times, keeping them at arm's length, because of my experiences in the past. I told them I admitted that I was damaged goods, and I knew that keeping people at arm's length wasn't how I should be behaving, but it was where I was right now. Also, no hugging. They seemed to understand and seemed willing to give me my space. 

I attended church again the following day (Sunday) and said hello to some of the guys that I already met at the Men's Breakfast. In fact, one of the guys from the breakfast came over to shake my hand and he came in for a hug. I physically pushed him away from me and just said, with a slight smile, "No hugs." He said, and I'll paraphrase, "We'll get you." Little does he know that it's not just those walls keeping me from hugging anyone. LOL. There's another issue at play that no one is yet aware of. So it makes me smile to know that he thinks this has everything to do with what I shared with him and the other the guys, when that's only part of the reason why I don't hug... lol. Everyone gets one gentle reminder, though, and he's had his... lol. 

My heart has been heavy for so long, that I'm just now appreciating all that God is doing to change that. I told my daughter that all the hard, cold walls around my heart seem to be warming up and softening. The edges aren't so sharp. The walls are still there, but they're being transformed by God. My flesh wanted to stop what God was doing and harden those walls again, but that momentary thought was discarded when I knew I'd be wrong in resisting the Lord. The walls are going to come down, and I trust that God is going to do it in a way where He'll gently place my running feet down on the ground so it's not so much of a huge transition. I never would have said this before, but after attending the church for a second week (and I did go in for an after service meal this time), I'm looking forward to going to church; to getting to know the men in the church and hopefully forming some type of friendship with a few of them. My trust issues have prevented me from developing a healthy relationship with anyone, and I'm hoping that the Lord continues healing my heart so that maybe, just maybe, I might find a friend to fellowship with inside and outside of church. 

Side note: My daughter's client list had her working on Sundays, so she couldn't attend church services with me. I told her that maybe the Lord would work something out so she could come with me on Sundays. Well, it didn't take long, because days later, her client list was updated, which freed up her weekends, so now she'll be able to come to church with me!!! Praise God!!! It means so much for me to know that she'll be able to start attending church again and maybe even make a friend or two there so she can have some fellowship as well. You don't know the joy it brings to my heart to know she'll be attending church services with me. I'm praying she'll have a good experience upon her initial visit, just as I did. 

Am I completely healed from all that church hurt? No, not yet, but I feel God working on it. The Holy Spirit has some work to do, but He's the perfect One to do it, so I have trust that He'll do what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it needs to be done, and eventually God will bring me out of the other end of this valley I've been in for so very, very long. Each wall I've built protects a different part of my heart, so I look forward to God taking down those walls one at a time and leading me forward, bringing me healing, until the next one comes down and he does the same. Then the next, and then the next, until they've all been torn down. After that, I'm sure He'll reveal other things in my life that need to be dealt with, because we're all a work in progress. Our striving for perfection doesn't end until we're with Him. 

Remember what I said about that sermon from Noah Proudfoot that I told you to keep in mind until the end of the article? The sermon about God having a history of meeting people in the wilderness, and that when things are tough, it's not a sign that God's love has diminished? That whatever we go though, we need to meditate on God and His promises? That we may go through the wilderness at times, but God will never leave or forsake us? That Christ alone is enough for us and His timing is always perfect. Tell me that the sermon he gave wasn't God speaking to me. The perfect sermon, at the perfect time. I was in my wilderness all that time, and although I often pushed him aside, God never forsook me. More than a decade of wandering in the wilderness, and Christ alone was enough for me for all that time. Year after year of searching, sometimes thinking that I had nowhere to go, but God keeps His promises, even if it's not in our own timing. Wow! What a wonderful confirmation that is for me. That sermon was a reflection of what I had just gone through. I think this time I will cry... to the Lord. You know, a lot of times it's just words, until you go though the experience yourself, then it becomes real, which is something we discussed at the Men's Breakfast. My wilderness experience, the sermon, the Men's Breakfast... all dots connecting to bring me confirmation that my wilderness experience was at an end. 

I had no idea where the Lord was leading me all these years, but I see where He's led me to today, and I look forward to what He plans to do in my life for the time that I have remaining here on this earth. It's going to be one adventure until I'm absent from the body, or the Lord returns! Whichever comes first. Here's hoping I can accomplish more for Him in the time I have remaining than I've accomplished for Him in my life up until now. Now THAT's an awesome hope and a great goal to have!!!

REPENT, AND BE FORGIVEN!

BELIEVE, AND BE SAVED!

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